Inner SE is where I've been the longest it's our home. Husband and I live in an old pdx on an old pdx street. The house I wave good-bye to when I'm off to trip holds us a brother, dog:bear and a couple of scared cats who sleep in the boxes on the porch. A double garden of vegetables for the summer and flowers to greet us. It's where it all happens.
Wednesday, July 6
no title, just the holiday
4 days spent in a red barn complex set into a beautiful marriage bluff and lake. The Deck overlooks 10-mile land, which I always want to call island.
but until right now I didn't think about Bear, but it only toodk 2 sentances.
He's the coolest dog I've ever had, i've had 4 dogs ever. He's goofy, with the blue eye and the brown eye. People say he's handsome, on the street at the park people. He loves the shit out of me. He's by my side or within eye sight of me all the time, getting him from the shelter for dogs, he's adapted well. evolved even?
He met four dogs today, went for a run in Mt Tabor Park, got a rabis shot and chilled at luke's place.
whose's a lucky dog? Bear.
Friday, June 24
for the record
a spinner that plays records for me to hear. On a trip with mom to the goodwill I untangled a record player. It was cheap maybe $2, but when I brought it home and plugged it in...powerful fuzz sound of the needle coming through. I listen to Heart Dreamboat Annie and look longfully like the sisiters on the cover. The haricut I have is just like theirs, short bangs, layers of shag Magic Man.
I've also found elctronica/techno again; i'm not sure of the proper terms it's been a while. Swayzak: another way; I put that on when it's time to get pumped up
Eagles: their greatest hits, 1971-75. Classic rock stand-by.
Only rectenly the songs and the bands have melded, it was all songs by the same guys over and over.
Mogwai: Happy songs for happy people
Hundted by a frea
kids will be skeletons
killing all the flies
boring machines distrubs sleep
ratts of the capital
stop coming to my house
my thought: happy, huh
I've got some others but that's enough lists for now.
Next Time: Dog
over and out.
Tuesday, June 21
Family away to disney world, the land of profits by little kids. A dog in less than a week, a strange dream last night wrought with meaning I do not want to decifer. I wonder if the accumulation of ads for your head trip are perpetuating the cycle of an outsider. Gone are the days of bucking up and living with your angst. It might have been harder, but then again easier because everyone else was covering it up too. So easily read in a weekly paper my symptoms of life. Majority rules, then why don't we all turn off the TV/paper/put downs and start talking.
what happens when you can't find anything to say? head trip perpetuates again, counter act so fast. that's all, counteract say no and live like it doesn't matter, because sometimes what you feel isn't really there. Only if you choose, choice is a made up freedom. I choose to be here, I choose to go to school, I choose to get a bear, I choose to travel the west, I choose to be happy, I choose love.
Defined by what you live for, not what you hate. These moments spent letting out what's inside and filling my cup with them.
Wednesday, June 15
summer time, and the livin' is easy
i usually think what a difference a week makes. Last week i was at def con 12 ready to rip to shreads myself and anyone who had the nerve to come around. A week later... It's summer vacation time, I've been sleeping in until 9am, lounging about until I do a task or two, today it's gardening at karen's and farmers market with Wendy, no school, no cram time.
Back at the ranch husband has given the okay to get a dog. Hooray! WIth the large house, yard, park near-by it's perfect, and my schedule of going outside to check on the garden 15 times a day doens't hurt either. I've been looking on craigslist for a free dog about 1 year old, a lab or lab mix would be great. I'm hoping within the next weeks to get one! With my summer schedule it should be easier to get dog trained and spend lots of time with dog.
I've been doing so many fun things since I've been out of school. I went for a walk in a the rodedendron gardens, got coffee a bunch, went and dug around in the bins, bought a chair, gardening for me and grandma, frisbee golf, got drunk.
school is the hardest job i've ever had, i got a lot accomplished in the last year but i didn't have a lot of free time, or fun doing it. It was riddled with sacrifice and angst about it. This term I'm taking 9 credits and no science classes, a big load off. I'll see how this goes and by next fall I might cut back on school and get a part-time job. It may take me longer to get through school but I've got to enjoy the process. I've got to enjoy my life again, which I'm doing more now than ever in the past 9 months.
I'm going to continue to do so by feeding my interests outside of school, even if I'm the only one doing, me and my dog.
Monday, June 13
garden, about 3-4 weeks ago, it has grown since then and I hope we get some more sun for the veggies. i've planted all sorts of varieties; 2 squash, 2 cucks, 4 tomatoes, an eggplant, peas, bean, peppers and tomatoes, a few herbs and spinach. mmmmm....veggies. My husband built the raised bed closest to you in the picture, pretty sweet huh.
Sunday, June 5
I’ve been thinking about my goals lately. I need to make the next big step, deciding what to do for graduate school. It’s going to depend on how I want to invest into it. I haven’t been investing into myself, instead I’ve been shutting myself off from others feom husband, they are all just words. I came up here to do yoga, and instead I sit and type this, my heart and ears pounding, ringing. I think I should strech. To get my thoughts together is so difficult. Head elevated, eyes hurt, legs convulsed. Dry mouth but that my be the cotton mouth. Can’t I be honest with those around me? But I always have in my mind as much as I have this in my mind how wonderful my life would be if I just let it. I poke things to much, always making more than I should, biting off more than my share. School what have you done to me? Only a year and I’ve been broken. All this sadness from a girl who has a garden, a husband, a family, a brother, that’s all I have, inside there is such a clenching I’m scared for my tests, I plan to barley pass the test in chemistry. But I’ll pass the class by the hair on my chinny chin chin. It’s a good thing I worked my ass of in the middle of the term. anxitey and then depression. my jaw is clenched and i'm rubbing my leg to ease it out. need to go strech. streching is good. -portlandia.
Saturday, June 4
it's been a long, long while. I'm still doing my thing although I'm a lot less excited about the whole endevour. About everything. Do you get this way, or is it only me - I think it's may be me. Any way postsecret is a cool spot. It makes me feel less alone. I've been thinking of my secret and I can't share it here but it's a sad one, something I may spend my whole life holding onto, but that is my choice.
Success can be as stiffling as faiure, you close a door on so many options. Right now I'm so successful I'm in a closet without doors.
but it may turn out all right, I'm sticking around to find out.