Inner SE

2005-07-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

He is a rot/husky/greyhound dog. Bear went to the vet and weighed 85lbs. I went to the doctor today and I weight 114lbs. Holy Shit.

no title, just the holiday

2005-07-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

4 days spent in a red barn complex set into a beautiful marriage bluff and lake. The Deck overlooks 10-mile land, which I always want to call island.
but until right now I didn't think about Bear, but it only toodk 2 sentances.
Bear:
He's the coolest dog I've ever had, i've had 4 dogs ever. He's goofy, with the blue eye and the brown eye. People say he's handsome, on the street at the park people. He loves the shit out of me. He's by my side or within eye sight of me all the time, getting him from the shelter for dogs, he's adapted well. evolved even?
He met four dogs today, went for a run in Mt Tabor Park, got a rabis shot and chilled at luke's place.
whose's a lucky dog? Bear.

for the record

2005-06-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

a spinner that plays records for me to hear. On a trip with mom to the goodwill I untangled a record player. It was cheap maybe $2, but when I brought it home and plugged it in...powerful fuzz sound of the needle coming through. I listen to Heart Dreamboat Annie and look longfully like the sisiters on the cover. The haricut I have is just like theirs, short bangs, layers of shag Magic Man.
I've also found elctronica/techno again; i'm not sure of the proper terms it's been a while. Swayzak: another way; I put that on when it's time to get pumped up
Eagles: their greatest hits, 1971-75. Classic rock stand-by.
Only rectenly the songs and the bands have melded, it was all songs by the same guys over and over.
Mogwai: Happy songs for happy people
track list:
Hundted by a frea
kids will be skeletons
killing all the flies
boring machines distrubs sleep
ratts of the capital
golden porshe
stop coming to my house

my thought: happy, huh
I've got some others but that's enough lists for now.
Next Time: Dog
over and out.

house sitting

2005-06-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Family away to disney world, the land of profits by little kids. A dog in less than a week, a strange dream last night wrought with meaning I do not want to decifer. I wonder if the accumulation of ads for your head trip are perpetuating the cycle of an outsider. Gone are the days of bucking up and living with your angst. It might have been harder, but then again easier because everyone else was covering it up too. So easily read in a weekly paper my symptoms of life. Majority rules, then why don't we all turn off the TV/paper/put downs and start talking.

what happens when you can't find anything to say? head trip perpetuates again, counter act so fast. that's all, counteract say no and live like it doesn't matter, because sometimes what you feel isn't really there. Only if you choose, choice is a made up freedom. I choose to be here, I choose to go to school, I choose to get a bear, I choose to travel the west, I choose to be happy, I choose love.

Defined by what you live for, not what you hate. These moments spent letting out what's inside and filling my cup with them.

summer time, and the livin' is easy

2005-06-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

i usually think what a difference a week makes. Last week i was at def con 12 ready to rip to shreads myself and anyone who had the nerve to come around. A week later... It's summer vacation time, I've been sleeping in until 9am, lounging about until I do a task or two, today it's gardening at karen's and farmers market with Wendy, no school, no cram time.
Back at the ranch husband has given the okay to get a dog. Hooray! WIth the large house, yard, park near-by it's perfect, and my schedule of going outside to check on the garden 15 times a day doens't hurt either. I've been looking on craigslist for a free dog about 1 year old, a lab or lab mix would be great. I'm hoping within the next weeks to get one! With my summer schedule it should be easier to get dog trained and spend lots of time with dog.
I've been doing so many fun things since I've been out of school. I went for a walk in a the rodedendron gardens, got coffee a bunch, went and dug around in the bins, bought a chair, gardening for me and grandma, frisbee golf, got drunk.

school is the hardest job i've ever had, i got a lot accomplished in the last year but i didn't have a lot of free time, or fun doing it. It was riddled with sacrifice and angst about it. This term I'm taking 9 credits and no science classes, a big load off. I'll see how this goes and by next fall I might cut back on school and get a part-time job. It may take me longer to get through school but I've got to enjoy the process. I've got to enjoy my life again, which I'm doing more now than ever in the past 9 months.

I'm going to continue to do so by feeding my interests outside of school, even if I'm the only one doing, me and my dog.

2005-06-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

garden, about 3-4 weeks ago, it has grown since then and I hope we get some more sun for the veggies. i've planted all sorts of varieties; 2 squash, 2 cucks, 4 tomatoes, an eggplant, peas, bean, peppers and tomatoes, a few herbs and spinach. mmmmm....veggies. My husband built the raised bed closest to you in the picture, pretty sweet huh.

2005-06-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Me. Rock Climbing. Hell Ya. It's the best sport ever, climbing up rocks and then walking back down. That's my school friend, Mandi. She's a good rock climber and she's cool too. She's married too, married people are cool. She's getting me a harness while she's in the land of the free, canada.

2005-06-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

happy new year, from the band.

2005-06-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

A high desert sunset. Ochoco View Point. May 2005

cram time

2005-06-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about my goals lately. I need to make the next big step, deciding what to do for graduate school. It’s going to depend on how I want to invest into it. I haven’t been investing into myself, instead I’ve been shutting myself off from others feom husband, they are all just words. I came up here to do yoga, and instead I sit and type this, my heart and ears pounding, ringing. I think I should strech. To get my thoughts together is so difficult. Head elevated, eyes hurt, legs convulsed. Dry mouth but that my be the cotton mouth. Can’t I be honest with those around me? But I always have in my mind as much as I have this in my mind how wonderful my life would be if I just let it. I poke things to much, always making more than I should, biting off more than my share. School what have you done to me? Only a year and I’ve been broken. All this sadness from a girl who has a garden, a husband, a family, a brother, that’s all I have, inside there is such a clenching I’m scared for my tests, I plan to barley pass the test in chemistry. But I’ll pass the class by the hair on my chinny chin chin. It’s a good thing I worked my ass of in the middle of the term. anxitey and then depression. my jaw is clenched and i'm rubbing my leg to ease it out. need to go strech. streching is good. -portlandia.

yo.

2005-06-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

it's been a long, long while. I'm still doing my thing although I'm a lot less excited about the whole endevour. About everything. Do you get this way, or is it only me - I think it's may be me. Any way postsecret is a cool spot. It makes me feel less alone. I've been thinking of my secret and I can't share it here but it's a sad one, something I may spend my whole life holding onto, but that is my choice.
Success can be as stiffling as faiure, you close a door on so many options. Right now I'm so successful I'm in a closet without doors.
but it may turn out all right, I'm sticking around to find out.

upgrade your grey matter, cause one day it may matter...

2005-02-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

accomplished

2005-02-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

i have a very goal driven focus to my life. i set goals all the time. not only big future goals like graduating from college or having kids, but also simple ones like keeping up on the dishes, (god that's boring), or not studying 24/7..it's easy to get sucked in. so this week my goal has been to write a biology paper on bacteria. it's due friday at 1pm and i'm so close to having it done that i'm in good shape to stop for the day and rest the brain before stats class in an hour. hooray for me! i've accomplished some thing for the day/week! hooary! this makes brain/heart feel mighty fine.

the end and the future

2005-02-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

in distracting myself from studies last night i spent a great deal of time on a website compilied from a time traveler's message board correspondance. i was hooked, and now i can't stop thinking about the ramifications. if someone really did come back and tell you what you could do to protect yourself, or prepare yourself for what tragedies lay ahead would you take head? would you listen and really change your life or just go about daily life the way always have? it's a question i will ask myself until the day comes where i will have to make that descion and drive off into the desert to set up a new life on the land.

the field

2005-01-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

i've started reading a book about the zero point field, which are the places where something meets something else. like the air and your skin or the floor and my sock. these places never really touch, only bounce off of molecules between unseeable waves of information that are there by force and will and who knows what else. but as i am reading it i came across this thought in my mind and i transcribe it here:

when new ideas are formed new evils and gods are made. a new idea is light into an unknown. the idea of magnets energy between the smallest of known substances is elemental. along with chemicals and physical properties. a new light into the making of the universe, on that we should have given equal study to from the begining. fear what we do not know, or what we could become.

yo.

2005-01-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

i have car trouble. the saab i bought way back in 1998 has broken down on me, and this isn't the first time. the first time was years ago, but each time it wears out i've patched 'er up to ride again. the worst time saab broke down on was about 2 years ago, we were taking a quick trip to the food store, only blocks away from our apartment. i went to shift into 3rd gear and there was no resistance on the clutch, only air. i coasted us back home and parked. it sat there for months, until we moved and i towed it to our new place where it sat for a year until i could get some money together to replace the clutch. that sucked. many times has the car been broken, too many. so this time i am going to let 'er sit, again, until i get some money together. when i do i'm going to fix it and sell it. no more saab stories for me.
until then i'm diversifying my transport. i've been taking the bus, which portland has a wonderful public transportation system, hooray for that. i've also been driving husbands truck since it does rain a lot here in p-town. portland is also a very bike friendly town, lots of bike lanes, other bikers and cars who are used to the two wheelers. so today for the fist time ever i'll be biking to school. on a bike, about 7-10 miles across town. i'm a little nervous but i've decided that i just need to do it and see what happens. i have no idea how long it will take so i'm going to leave here very soon and hope i make it, wish me luck!

kombucha

2005-01-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

a friend gave from chem gave me a kombucha start. it's a mushroom that when allowed to ferment turns tea into a wonderful fizzy sour/sweet soda. i've made one very strong not so fizzy batch. i'm starting a new one today that in 7-10 days should be like gingerale but taste like fungi.
i'll let you know.

2005-01-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

today, I needed something beautiful. Here's Olive Lake, my favorite lake ever. Hiking around the shore, traversing across makeshift log bridges an opening in the trees reveals this natural rock, sand, tree, grass filter. hundreds of liters rushing down the mountain into the great blue stein of a lake. it is so clear, even now as i am hundreds of miles and many months away from this sacred place.

thursdays

2005-01-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

today is the school day from hell. i ride the bus for an hour to get to campus and then i stay here, through a bio lecture, chem lab and stats class. i'll be getting home about 12 hours after i left my freezing cold house this morning. the rage S described today is fitting for what my chest and belly are going through right now. this inexplicable urge to punch someone in the face. trying to explain to my chem prof about waves and molecules having thier own frequencies, thinking afterwards i should have kept quiet.
it's only one day out of the week, only thursday to get through...
-p

The North Country - part I

2005-01-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm in upstate New York, in the Adirondacks, in the snow and cold, the day we arrives is -20°, bottles of water are frozen to ice, cars are kept running to warm the woolly mammoth inside. but it's okay, I geared up for it with the taunting and laughing. the people here, my family included, are easy to laugh and share they have all welcomed me as much as husband's love envelopes me. I am blessed to have such a wonderful home to come to.
The moon was out bright it reflected off the snow, a field of blue moon snow shone bright and reflected back up to space to light the stars aglow. So crisp was the snow it made the night crackles between the walls.
The blinking lights far off but close to an old friend became a guide and beacon curiosity to the far off, comforting assuredness in the blinking, erie and missed on a cloudy night.
how many nights did I dream of you?
17, up to the clouds of my room dreaming and feeling out for you. I did not think it would ever be as sweat loving pride loyal funny strong sexy wonderful as he is. I come here and he shines out to me, this is where I am from I'm so glad you like it here.
shining sun through the bathroom window, I'm still not cold my heart is warming my whole body.

-excerpt from my journal 12/20/04

friday portland,

2004-12-17T14:54:00.000-08:00

the weekend is here, all lined up and ready.
our DSL is working. hooray! it's christmas holiday celebrations begining. uncles, aunts cousins all family up on the hill paved with lights and angles. i'm not much for christmas anymore, it rubs me the wrong way. like santa jumping out of an airplane, and thinking about going to the mall which i haven't done in months, or the fact that we have spent $15 billion more on christmas than we did last year and they still want more. i'm over it. thanksgiving is more my holiday, no presents or craziness assoicated with greed. food, glutony is my sin of choice.
but family is what i do like about holidays, and in 2, count them 1 and 1 days we travel to upstate, NY to spend it with husbands wonderful family, in the artic of the north country. 2 whole weeks we'll be gone, playing in the snow, drinking in the snow, cutting down a christmas tree in the snow. it's going to be super-duper cold and husband can't stop dramatizing about it for me.
we did buy each other christmas gifts, only one. i got him something he will like, but i can't revel it yet.
it seems like forever ago, but only this past tuesday did i ride into school and whip on a couple of finals. expecting a 4.0 for the term. i've already ordered books for chem 221. i'm ready to start spring when i return.
until then - happy new year - p.

yo

2004-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

it's the week before finals and i've got a ton of stuff going on, i'm trying to keep it all straight.
last night as i laying in bed i kept thinking about one of my weird senarios that i turn over and over, but this one involved applied knowledge from my biology or chemistry class. and it hit me, i've always been thinking about zany plans, but i had lacked a way to figure them out and take them one step further. i'm now one term farther down my path with heart, the easy one, the one i want to follow.
but dam, i can't wait for the term to be over and on a plane to christmas time in upstate NY. only...12 days left!

making money

2004-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

i'm broke. we've paid november's bills and i'm busted to my last ben franklin. since starting school i've been adament that i would get a job of some sort, that husband wouldn't have to dish out for all the bills...we'll for dec it's not looking so good. $100 isn't going to keep the lights on, right.
so i put an ad on craigslist offering my services as a manual laborer for your yard. i thought, what a long shot. nobody needs yard help, but not true, so far 2 people need yard help. and i'm making money, just like that.
only the thing about making money is...it's a job, and like most jobs, execpt aforementioned ones, they kinda suck. for a good 4 hours today i hauled yard debris from dudes house to my house and dumped truck load after truck load into our vast backyard, awaiting their fate through the chipper. i have to go back tomorrow and finish the last of it, and you know what. it kinda sucks, but i'm making money, just like that.

2004-11-29T15:34:00.000-08:00

here's something beautiful from Daniel Robinson, you can find him at the Mercury Gallery.

2004-11-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

blazing bullets into forgotten desert junk...bulls eye.

yo.

2004-11-24T09:47:00.000-08:00

today i'm staying home. one of the things about school that kicks ass is that you are you're own boss. no one is going to yell at me for coming to class 15 minutes late, there is no firing when i skip without calling. it's all up to me. and today, the day before 15 people come over to my house for my favorite holiday i need to clean, bake 2 pumpkin pies and start a paper.
no problem.

last night i went to the rose garden area with my niece to the avril lavine concert. my niece is 13 and super cool. she called me up at 5pm yesterday and asked if i would go with her, she got a couple of comped tickets from a guy who works at the rose garden. so we head down there and find our kick ass seats about 20 feet diagonal from stage left. my favorite place to see a show. it was pretty sedate for a 'rock' show, mostly 8-14 year old girls with a sprinkling of parents and dorky boys thrown in. i was there to see my niece who i very rarely get to hang out with. but i did scream like a 13 year old girl at least once, i won't lie 'bout that.

that got me thinking about my sister taking me to my first concert. sis used to win free swag from the radio stations like all the time, on one of these wins she got 2 tickets to see areosmith, at the big arena downtown. it was such a kick ass show, i knew all the words, i rocked it. i was about 12 or 13, in jr. high i think. the album was the cow udder piercing cover, i have no idea what the name of it was....any help...and that got me started on going to live shows, there have been many since most recently was the colonel claypools bucket of bernies brains, at which i almost got into a fight with some stupid guy, but j was there and he pushed him down some stairs for me and it was alright.

last thing, then i'm starting the photosynthesis paper, i swear.
walking out of school last week a guy dressed a little funky with a huge envelope tied to a cart pushes past me.
"today i'm pushing the envelope" he says, "what do you think that means? Would you write it down on a piece of paper and stuff it into the envelope?"
"sure i would," i say, "but what is this all for, what are you going to do with it?"
this is what he did with it. guess which one is mine...p

2004-11-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

oregon desert...how easy would it be to step through the monitor into you?

different

2004-11-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

it's still green, only less putrid. i find that when things are tidy productivity goes up. what do you think?

lately,

2004-11-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

Sunday, the last full day and back to the clock. time has all but disappeared. the moon is stil high in the sky, in bright sunlight. i sat upon it while husband and j sat on platic chairs in the river & later 3 women conveined on it at twilight and cast a spell upon all of us.
food, bbq was so hearty and filling. pork smoked on coals of sage. carmelized, aroma, desert. we drank enough to still be drunk to tend fire, play 3-man and sing classic rock ballads around a camp fire.

i'm a cowboy, on a steel horse i ride, wanted....wanted dead or alive.

hA! it was so good to see our friends faces and another barrier or secret treasure was exposed & plunderd by passing the day away in a hammock, communing, hiking, laughing, having a smarties fight after dinner, being a grown up kid at summer camp.

2004-11-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

facts: 8 hours; some were more painful than others. afterwards was the most painful. $750 total with tips, drawings and comp time. worth every penny. studio: infinity studios, paul z. www.infinitytattoo.com
funny, i first had the tree in the center, this is my thrid year with it. lots of people would approach me and stike up converstations about it, or about their ink, some where short and nice, others were rude. but since i've had the sleeve, only 3 people have made comments to me about it, but people i see at school, not a stranger in the grocery store. me, i like it a lot. it will shape me. likes rocks and water, i realize that. the glances from people, perceptions, may be i'll get a job where i have to cover it up, which i would do only if it was the best job ever. (like booby inspector, or mad scientist) it's an extension of my personality, a crest. a tattoo.

2004-11-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

i live here now.

debauchery

2004-11-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

on a night where i only wanted to sit memzmorized by police chases, we rallied to the ash street saloon to see server x play. jason's band rocks and even after seeing them about a bazillion times i still enjoyed myself. the club had an old fright film playing on the wall. something about gill people taking over a small european town. most of the movie consisted of dark rain scences where everyone and everything is wet. it was total b film material and i was enthralled. also all scary movies should be played with the volume turned way down and a rock album turned way up, it adds something that dialouge misses.
since it's the saturday night before halloween, it was a party. we headed to our friends who make halloween their christmas. the house is decorated, we even wore semi coustumes. (husband will only dress up if he can carry an axe) then the alcohol stated flowing and a fire was started in the back yard and the girls got fucked up and started tounge kissing. that was the begining of the end. vodka shots out of the liter bottle got you a tounge kiss from the hostess. only rule, only girls got tounge. then after a 3-way tougne kiss (i love the way tounge kiss sounds) it was decided that we should flash the men, so it came to pass.
i will interject here that i love my friends and have seen them all naked mostly due to naked hottubbing at babgy hotsprings. but on this night we were all just feeling the halloween love.
husband is also a great instigator, reminding us all thoughout the 2 o'clock hour that it wasn't really happening due to daylight savings. also we were able to buy another half rack at 3am due to daylight savings. how i love thee. it was then back to our new ginormous house for dance party, then the drunkerds left and we had hot drunk halloween marital relations.

god i hope everything goes okay tomorrow.

we're in

2004-10-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

a lot of time has passed, and in this blogger land years are in dog years, right. in blogger land we check page updates a billion times a day. in real life we go to class, pack up boxes, study for class, move boxes to new place, write a cardiovascular outline for class, unpack boxes, get new ink, take a hard bio exam, paint a room in bright blue and orange, recover from being sick for a week, get back results from exams, do a little jig cause i'm doing okay.

that's the way it's been around my world. i'm digging everything, the house is grrrr-ate, classes are going well, and the ink is healing up nicely. right now i'm back to hitting the books since i didn't get much of anything in the realm of school done this weekend, it was all spent painting the last room in the house that needed it.

i'd like to put up a bunch of pictures of everything new but it's sort of a cop-out. i've been using pictures in place of words, mostly because the ol' brain has been taxed out of creativity in the langauge department. first i need to write for myself, then i can write here. so pictures you shall get.

more time. i need more time.
and thanks for coming back.

2004-10-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

this week i'm packing for the move, which should be happening this weekend. we'll know for sure when we talk to the tenants this week. also this week i'm studying my ass off. i will have no more ass on friday. it will be replaced with a bio outline, a chem lab report & various concept theorys. junk in the trunk.
anyway, here's my world. i'll see you sometime next week with new ink, two brand new tests & one old house! hooray!

2004-10-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

grandma showed me how to ripen tomatoes. she had a small raised bed in the back yard that the gardener built where she would plant a few tomato bushes and carrots or peas. later when grandma got on - not years, but in life, the gardner would plant vegetables for her.
the kitchen window sat high above the sink so the view it gave was of roofs, tree-tops and sky. mid summer the sill would fill up with green, turning, and red tomatoes; just waiting for the right time to slice. she would eat them with canned beets, beets so purple they bled the prettiest pink into cottage cheese. or slice them thick on top of lettuce with salt and pepper.

my tomato plants have caught a bad case of blight and i'm hoping in a few weeks i'll have red can-able tomatoes. i just don't have enough window sills.

2004-10-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

i can't wait to be covered in hot magma & ash...bwaahahahahaha

yo

2004-09-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

so school's not 'hard' but is hella time consuming. biology alone will consist of more work in day than i did at my old job. it is interesting and all that, but dam! a ton of studying.
i got the new ink, it's only partly done so i'm not going to post a picture until i get the rest filled in. that will be in a few weeks once it's healed and we're moved. i didn't want to bash it around moving while in pain. and it's painful right now. the edges are bruised and i'm kinda glad the next appointment isn't until the 18th. not to sound like too much of a whiner it is beautiful, i couldn't be more happy with it.
that's all for now, i'm going to cram some terms and concepts into the cranium before husband gets home from corvallis. also i'm making mac'n cheese from scracth. i love scratch.
-p

hi-ho-hi-ho

2004-09-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

it's off to school & tattooing i go.
i have fleeting thoughts of needles, buzzing and mild searing pain. intermittent with visions of boxes, packing and moving. now, i'm thinking about buying a parking pass, finding my classes and seeing what chemistry is all about.

forest inspired

2004-09-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

i've been painting this for 3 years. finished it recently and i'm wicked happy about the results.

yo

2004-09-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

i know i had all these plans to write and share this week, but i've got nothing. it being the last one before school, i'm kinda taking it easy. kinda easy in the way that i've canned pickles and applesauce, put new motor mounts on the saab - the last job on the list, made a finish the ink appointment, secured the new house and given our thirty days notice in teh crap hole, celebrated our 1 year of marriage, and spent a day soaking in bagby hot springs with some of my most precious friends. when you put it that way...

2004-09-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

fear gripped me standing beside husband on the rock jutting out into lake olive. i look over the the rock and down to clear blue maybe 15 feet below. i can see where the rock i am standing on barrels into the water and down to touch the earth. we weren't going to touch bottom here. nothing down there and no one around, except consciousness and fear.
husband jumps in, it's seconds before i hear a splash and a wooooooooo. still i am frozen in space and recede back into my thoughts. why am i so scared? why can't i do it? i love jumping off stuff. i stand there for what seems like an hour contemplating my drop.
husband climbs back up to the jump off point and again i make excuses. he consoles me, teases me, encourages me, anything to settle me. but frozen still i can't jump. my mind tells me how stupid i am for just standing there, how i should walk away, don't test yourself.
husband jumps; and on the way to water shouts "i regret nothing". that son of a bitch! before he can swim to shore i let go of it all and jump. "i don't want to either" i yell as i smack into olive lake.
you must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

blue mountain scenic byway

2004-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

it is a blip on the map, four words that can't begin to explain the road you are in for. the road we followed through small towns, acres of ranches and rolling golden hills slipped us back in time. a time of homesteaders and cabins made from trees near by. so many prairie houses, lost to time and the weather planks of wood clinging to window frame with half panes of glass hanging on. trees towering over the cabins marching on long after the planters had given up. we drove by a country auction with livestock and equipment up for bid. people from the surrounding area had shown up, every single one of them. we drove until we got hungry and when we did ione became our table. lush green grass, taller and thicker than any i've seen wrapped itself around us in the shade. back on the road we drove through a few more small towns that day, our first. mountains rolling off in the distance hide a cloud and all we see is smoke.

house keeping

2004-09-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

it's monday, two weeks until school starts. i bought books today, it cost me $467! fucking bullshit. total racket. chemistry 100, bio 211 & stats 243, and i'm geeking on it. can't wait. the dept. of unemployment for my home state is a generous beast the week goes by so quickly when you get a paycheck. cash money. my grandfather is is going to rent us a house not far from here with an option to buy if we want later on. real cheap.
with everything going so well lately, i wonder where my tortured life went. fuck it.

eastern oregon: part I

2004-09-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

here i am wondering how in the hell we ended up at pendland lake. it was an erie night of who-ing owls, screeching hawks & wild blue mountain monkies. being our first night we weren't exactly sure where we were or how long it would take to get to the next spot. we packed out of the cement camp site at day break and booked it farther down the line into some beautiful country.

olive lake, wah. the most pristine lake i've swam in or hiked around. crystal clear water with little sediment to clog or muck it up. there are two fresh water mountain streams that filter through plants, sand, and rocks to flow through downed burnt trees into the winding lake. here i am standing at a handmade bridge going over one of the steams

look how relaxed and happy i am. i love vacation.

2004-09-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

hot dam, i'm back. but up to household and frisbee golf for the day. we had an amazing time expolering the oregon wilderness, put 900 miles on the ranger and so many memories in my head. i'll tell you all about it, and also about getting fired and how now i'm on the dole. i got umemployment, biatch! until then - p

2004-08-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

i'll be seeing a lot of the windsheild and canyons for the next 10 days. we're going on vacation to eastern oregon, driving across the state and dipping down into the blue mountains for days of exploring and pondering.

i'm easily distracted

2004-08-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

husband has to direct me when we go to Freddy's, which is our one-stop shopping grocery store. down the cereal isle he'll hold my hand which might be romantic if the affection came from a place of wanting and tenderness. nope, it's because i wander off and end up with the dressing and a blank look on my face. or i'll be checking out the meat isle thinking of things to eat for dinner when tacos have already been planned. i'm distracted. i'm alright at driving, i can keep my wits about me steering a 2 ton vehicle. although i'm known as charlies angles for my driving abilities, i attribute that to the fact my dad was a race car driver when i was growing up.
right, i'm easily distracted.
especially when i am in a building built for distraction, it's easier to get your money. the casino.
it's a bright magical place with spinning colors flashing lights in all directions and money. lots of it everywhere, counted out at the change rooms, counted by the old worn change ladies who peel off $5 bills from a stack of thousands.
i'm cheap. i pull out forty from the atm, plus $2 service, which i hate. and i take my 2 lucky 20's and i get change. 3 fives, 5 ones, because it's lucky. i sit at the wheel of fortune 25c slot machine and i put in a five, i lose it all in a matter of minutes.
wah, this went way to fast. i think about winning it back, the attraction of it is coming at me through the circus carpet. if i'm going to win i gotta have a connection with the machine. one that reaches out and grabs me pulls me onto its leather stool and says, i'm a winner.
i find that machine, it has vegetables for 7 and bar, a farmer and even bonus rounds where i'm in a carrot contest. i pull up, throw in a 5 and win, i keep winning and pretty soon it's time to go and i'm up $15.
it's not a lot of money. the card tables were $10 to sit down. but i had an extremely euphoric feeling after i was cashed out. i didn't want to leave. Aunt and sister were directing me towards the exit. i was giddy. i went 2 days later! And lost it all back, even the $40 i extracted from the ATM.
i'm not bitter at casino. a little hurt maybe, we had such a sweet thang going.

ah! cobras

2004-08-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

i watch the simpson's just about everyday at 7:30pm. there was a time when fox 49 played them twice a day, that was sweet. but no more. there was an episode where homer kept passing out asleep, he would roll around on the floor in a night terror about cobras. shrieking like a little girl, flailing about on the floor screaming about cobras.
ahh,ahaahaha, africa.

my sleep has been about up to par with the cobras. last night i was working at m&m, this real estate brokerage firm of days past. except 12 brokers worked all within a one person office. i came into work to give my notice of 2 weeks. the next day when i came in for work my bitch boss asked me why i was there. pack your shit and go home. dejavu.
i'd really like to find out about unemployment. this week perhaps.

it's been raining quite nicely in p-town. the garden is fully quenched and now a sun storm would be beneficial. i'll probably leave the house today to go check on it.
by choice i didn't leave the house yesterday, i did however watch chicago, make pesto & dinner, as well as catch up with a few friends.

cobras aren't all bad all the time, are they?

2004-08-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

i'm not writing anything today. except this explaination that i'm not.

oregon coast

2004-08-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

On a monday that feels like sunday & acts like saturady. awoke from under the big dipper to shower, to drive, to lay under the clouds. clouds that moved so fast in front of the sun i started to slip into time. the ocean dark on shore, sparkling under the blazing sun on the horizon. washing up onto the beach were jellyfish. 3 feet across transparent jellyfish with tentacles 4 feet long, wavy & deep bronze. an interesting fact about jellyfish. if you happen to be stung by one, all you need do is pee on yourself, or someone can pee onto you. simple, accessible.
i found a starfish in the surf, it looked 3/4, no 7/8 of the way dead. i sat him on a rock to dry, and felt so horrible about it i almost forgot him. thanks, trav. starfish now sits on the thermostat. i watch him.
mother-in-law and i built a sand castle. our very own. it had 4 great pillars connected by bridges with motes(sp) around and a massive wall. we placed feathers as our flags and shells as our lookouts. also, i flew a kite.
the oregon coast is known for highwinds, stormy weather. the fact that we swam in the crystal blue water was remarkable. but later in the day clouds, ominous clouds which took the sun and blanketed the beach 5 miles in-land swept up and we flew kites.
as my first adult kite it was suitable. at 3 1/2 feet across it wasn't going to soar, but it did ride the wind. i let the pro wrestler sting of the WCW kite fly high catching the wind as it roamed. i'm going back to the beach this weekend, and i kept the kite to fly it again.
i saw lots of logging paraphernalia.
29 (counted, seeable) clearcut stands
12 logging trucks (average radius of trees - 1 ½ ft)
57 miles towards cannon beach.
it makes me uneasy to see it, for a few reasons.
1. when are we going to see our craving for material things has gotten out of hand?
2. when will the trees in my yard be logged?
3. why is it that i am paying with my taxes timber companies to do such things? (google it)

randomness

2004-08-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

liquor store guy said 'you've made my day, not one customer has said they are having a fantastic day. you're the first'; isn't everyone excited about buying tequila, mix, ice & a lime?

kill bill vol. 1 & 2 hands down is the super funkiest kung-fu/western movie i've seen. if there is one better i'd like to know. dude, she squishes an eye ball between her toes, and when we think the bride is gone forever...fade into her early days training and fighting the master.

people from montana are friendly, sincere. a couple are moving out here, although not to inner SE, and i couldn't be more delighted.

blogging from work gave me a distraction and a project. blogging from home...i haven't figured out yet.

freedom

2004-08-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

prepare for what you can and hold on tight for the unforeseen.

life is funny, timing wise i mean. a week ago i was sitting in front of my computer at work waiting for 4 o'clock to roll around. right now, i sitting at home in front of my computer eating left over esparza's tex mex thinking about my options.

i awoke this morning to take mom and teenager back to the airport. this time was a lot less glamorous, not one step inside. they gathered their bags, i gave them each a big hug, and off they went. back home.

i'm glad life at work is over, i'd been counting the days/months/years. now that i have extra time, 6 weeks extra, what ever shall i do with it?

start a fall garden
have breakfast with my father
tune-up my car
take a vacation with husband
bone-up on my math and chemistry

there will be no sitting around watching day time tv, there will be much more life in my days than staring into a void, that was work. this is now my life. i owe no one. time belongs to me. i will make the most of it.

remember...

2004-08-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

when i was pondering about how great it would if i got pulled into the boss's office and was fired.
well this morning it happened.

i'll be back in full effect with posts galor. until then it's back to the corona.

I'm back bia'tch

2004-08-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

i want you to
buy less, live more

arivaderchie

2004-08-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

i like going to the airport. a big shiny structure where beautiful jet liners and beautiful people gather to take exciting vacations to exotic places. at least this is what i picture in my mind. reality is that we're picking up mom and teenager at the airport tonight, they are flying in from atlanta, they will have been traveling for a solid 12 hours and will want to unwind and relax.
i'll be away on vacation for the next few days, we got some face-to-face catching up to do with loved ones.
love and strength in the between time.
-p

this man is 'running' our country

2004-08-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
-- Dubya's boastfulness enters new, scary territory here, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
via dubyaspeak

we're not gonna take it

2004-08-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

a couple of experts from the washington post this morning. i can relate to these workers, hell i'm blogging and reading all day long...

No Penalty For Abandoning Metro Train
Passengers aboard the train that was abandoned Monday at the Van Ness-UDC Station said the employees deserved a tougher penalty. "It's unbelievable," said Elisabeth Seasonwein, who was riding in the first car of Train 107 and saw the operator open the cab door and walk off the six-car train without a word"It seems to be right on par for Metro these days," she said.
Joshua Weiner, another rider on the abandoned train, said he was upset that Metro would spend scarce dollars on retraining when all that was required was common sense.
"Lesson No. 1 is 'Don't leave a Metro train unattended," said Weiner, a lawyer. "It seems ridiculous to me that taxpayers and Metro riders are going to be funding the retraining for something that seems pretty obvious."
Metro often swaps train operators while trains are running to maintain a schedule or
provide operators with breaks. But Metro policy requires the drivers to make a face-to-face exchange with the relief operator.
On Monday, the six-car Red Line train, headed for Shady Grove, pulled into the Van Ness-UDC Station at 7:16 p.m. and sat idling for 12 minutes, according to Metro. Although the train operator told investigators that she closed the door to the cab before leaving the train, passengers reported that the door was open.
The central train controllers gave permission for the operator of Train 107 to leave her train,believing another operator was in the cab, Feil said. The operator of Train 107 was finishing her shift and heading home, he said.
The operator left the train, crossed the platform and caught Train 202, which was headed in the opposite direction, to Glenmont.

this is one fed up train operator. she's supposed to go home, it's probably been a long day of dealing with passengers and local police in riot gear roaming the stations due to elevated alert status (which means nothing, btw and costs us millions). her shift was over and she was going home, who cares if larry the operator hadn't shown up work yet. larry's a big prick flake and does this all the time, she's not going to wait around for him again. nope, fuck it i'll just walk out, board my train home and let management figure it out, for once. and i can't really blame her.

Police Called to Va. Assisted-Living Home Find Staff Asleep
Authorities said what they found was startling.
One resident, a hospice patient, was lying helplessly on the floor after falling out of bed, calling out for help. Another was having trouble with a catheter and had called 911 out of frustration. No one had come to their aid, police discovered,
because the three caregivers at the site were asleep. A fourth employee had not shown up for work. Police located two of the employees sleeping on the third floor of the Alzheimer's wing and found a care manager asleep in a vacant room on the first floor, despite an audible burglar alarm sounding less than 10 feet away.
"Had a more severe emergency existed (fire, cardiac arrest, etc.),
would the night staff be able to handle such an emergency locked away in vacant
rooms sound asleep?" said Deputy Fire Marshal Andrea L. Buchanan, who described
the scene to a supervisor in an e-mail obtained by The Washington Post. "How long has this practice been going on?" Reached yesterday, she declined to comment.

nursing homes have become day care centers for the old. the real crappy ones with toys strewn about the yard and the kids are dirty and hungry when they leave. these employees are probably getting paid jack shit to work there, they are most likely understaffed and over worked, and have got their own troubles to worry about. who cares if someone needs help at 2am, i'm f'ing tired i'll be upstairs. asleep. then waking up to the cops, alarms, and pissed off old people. BUSTED.

regrets

2004-08-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

more confessions.
as i was reading april's entry about regrets of the sexual nature. mine came to mind right away. it's not the sex i did have it's the one guy i chickened out on.
at 17 i was still a virgin, albeit an overly sexed-up virgin, i was quite fond of taking very long steamy baths in the middle of the day exploring my new found horniness. i was also coming down from a long childhood of christain values being shoved at me from all sides. basically i was scared to act on my sexual urges outside the confines of my own body and fantasies.
then i met him in art class and began another one of my love affairs all in my head. i'd count the times i saw him throughout the day, 3 being the lucky number, a sign from the heavens. once i was on my front porch smoking and writing in my journal about my teenage ponderings. i looked up and there he was walking across the street. he noticed me and came over to talk. for all the scenarios i'd played out in my head i didn't have the courage to have a real-life conversation with him.
weeks passed and we became friends, slowly i built up my courage around him. we started talking on the phone, he met my parents once very briefly, and i'd walk him to work at the dairy queen down the street from my house. it was happening, after all this time i was actually beginning to have a boyfriend. expect i didn't realize it at the time. i was still to scared about what could happen to let anything happen.
a really good friend of ours worked a one-screen movie theater in town. we'd go over there and basically fuck off, watch movies, steal candy, popcorn and soda. one night we made plans to have the boys meet us there. he came, dressed in converse jeans and a zip-up hoodies. he had olive skin and copper curls that were just around his green eyes. i get wet thinking about him.
we watched the movie for a bit, held hands while i tried to conceal my shy and awkwardness. up until this point i'd hardly kissed anyone, especially someone i liked. a lot.
we went outside to talk and smoke a cigarette. as we were sitting on the fire escape in the chilled night air we started to kiss. like grown-up kiss. all my mind could think about was if i had a brother this is what it would be like to kiss him. god dam chirstian beliefs pounded in, coming up in me. i shut myself off.
i broke it off with him shortly after that over christmas break. i never kissed him again. he transferred to an off-site campus and i only saw him through windows. when i did talk to him on the phone one night i blamed it on my grandfather dying and me not wanting to see anyone. reality was that i couldn't bear to see him, because i was scared of the feelings i had, trending unfamiliar waters and calling for a life raft instead of wading out to sea.
i broke his heart and closed off a section on mine. he would ask my friends why i didn't like him anymore, why i didn't return his phone calls. he was such a nice guy and i took advantage of that. i now wish that i would have listened to my heart and gone after a boy that i liked, and that liked me back. i would have humped his brains out had i let myself have that chance. ah, highschool.

show reviewed

2004-08-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

it's the fire it up tour for Kottonmouth Kings, and portland was the first stop. We met up with our crew at a local bbq joint, i didn't have time to order a drink before we were in the truck hitting it mcgyver style. jeff is the cultivator of many glorious strains of cannabis as well as a genius at smoking on the fly. 1 red bull can and a car lighter later we were steam rolling blazed on 9th heading downtown to dive bar no. 2.
this is my first kmk experience, husband has been once before and jeff and jason were going on 7 & 8. i knew what to expect but not fully aware of the lifestyle movement i was about to encounter. Upon entering the venue we were told no smoking was allowed. period. we were also asked if we had any weapons or drugs on us, i was truthfully although husband told a little white lie having rolled a couple spliffs in celebration.
OPM was just finishing up their set when we got our drinks (makers on the rocks). A huge photo of a glam-trailer honey with a baby on her hip was the backdrop for this suburban noize act. beyond the tinted sunglasses was a full on grow room peeking out the back, waiting for kmk.
When the dj started spinning and the curtain came down the crowd exploded and the pit started swirling 2 seconds in.
KMK is a show for sure, they have 3 mc's, a drummer, a dj, and two dudes on stage to entertain. 1 is the taxman dressed to the bullocks with a microphone screaming with the chorus. the other is pakelika, the visual assassin pictured above. this dude kicks ass. his job is to dance the hydro-mechanics a specialized form of the robot while drinking, two fisted at times, and smoking and loading bowls during the show. he was wrapped up like a mummy and when he wasn't smoking he was making signs that read: be yourself; fire it up; fuck bush, etc.
the crowd was so into the beats, the pit lasted the whole show and they even got flashed a set of boobs. that's what being a rock-punk hip-hop star is all about, the titties.
not only are they amazing live, they also bring a real attitude with them, i've pulled some lyrics that best describe this lifestyle movement they represent. these are all off of their latest album fire it up released 4/20/04.

"Fire It Up"
Fire it up Fire it up Fire it up [x4]
Salu-Mutha Fuckin-Tations
Glad you came i see you got a reputation
Your in for a night full of blunts and beers.
Drinks and pits come on in dont fear.
Now it might get a liltle restless
But we're all family relax dont stress
You best get out your seats and move to the front
When you hear KMK say FIRE IT UP.
Kottonmouth's here smoke that pit
Every single night we get high and dont trip
24-7,365 all around the world we smoke herb world wide
So who got the chronic up in the building
With the buds in my system yo i catch the feeling
Lets fire it up cuz tonights the night
D-Loc got a smoke who got a mother fuckin Light
Kottonmouth Kings
Fire it up Fire it up Fire it up

"Angry Youth"
How could you make right look wrong?
And wrong look right?
And right look wrong?
When your rights are gone
Your rights are gone
Your rights are gone
Your rights are gonnnne
Your rights
What chu gonna do when your backs against the wall?
Are you gonna lay down on the ground?
Or be a man and stand up tall?
Seeking for a reason
Always searching for the truth
You gotta fight, fight, fight!
Cause we are the angry youth.

yo

2004-08-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

i have to admit it, i'm starting to listen to country music on the tee-vee.
my mother in law is arriving on friday. can't wait to be done cleaning for the visit. this lady washes walls, but she's not overly motherly to husband or I, she's a friend and I feel like I won the lottery for mother in laws.
i'm listening to the CMT right now. i have to say i like the messages in the songs, god I am a nerd with this. okay, there's a song on i don't like, i'm not totally into it.
i'm going to the kotton mouth kings show tonight. getting prepared right now...uh...cough. i'm not telling anyone about the sudden and distrubing habit about CMT. husband is on buffalo solider duty, so i can write a little diddy while he's gone. i've only told him about this becuase i knew he'd hardly if ever read it. like not picking a journal lock, everyday.
what else, oh...
i got notice from pcc scholarship foundation. portlandia has yet to recieve any free money for school. please send donations to the below:
me. please, send money.
no, it's not that bad, i was just working really hard and hoping for that. i completed it, wrote 3 essays and shipped it off, i did my part and sometimes that is what needs to happen.
right, kmk, tonight.

FIRE IT UP

boppin' on the head

2004-08-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

I work with a couple of pussies. upon coming into work at the usual and ungodly hour of 7:30am I am greeted by two of my normally competent co-workers. these are manly men, they inspect industrial stuff, most of the time they are aboard ships out at sea for weeks at a time, or on a pipeline in the middle of no where. they are not 'girlie men', or so I thought.
I come in the doors and there they are staring at me. i'm not sure what to make of it, i'm thinking damn I must look good today, but I hadn't expected this.
'there's a mouse in your bathroom' he says, like it's my problem. I just look at them thinking in my head it's too dam early for this, are they fucking kidding me. 'so why don't you catch it' I reply, it's just a little bitty semi cute mouse for chris-sake. I call them pussies, and they laugh. I grab 1 box and 2 paper cups for capture and I head into the 3'x5' bathroom and start looking.
chris is giving me help from the other side, 'he's under the shelf' so I move the shelf and SWOOSH, he darts under the plunger. in about 15 seconds he leaps into the cup, I toss him into the box, he jumps once and I close the lid.
I strut out with my trophy and I get looks of respect and awe from my pussie coworkers.
the mouse is now living like a hippie in the frisbee golf park next the shop. I hope he's happy out there in the real world.

pop quiz

2004-08-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a great little commentary on pollution, evolution, corporation, and governmental regulation. Can you guess what magazine I've clipped it from? A right answer will receive praise and admiration from all who know thee, and I'll post the other side of the clipping. Good Luck.

grouphug.us

2004-07-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

i once told my gf a story of how someone on TV or whatnot got a "penile fracture". she thought "penile fracture" was the funniest thing she ever heard, and seeing that this chic was half-way in charge of my penis, i dumped her.

cultured

2004-07-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

girls night abounds oh so close to a blue moon. alberta's answer to flavor was bustling with
energy, art (most of it good, some shocking), music, dancing, food, and people.

Paintings on wood of trees and folk, paintings on glass of trees and wheat.
Recycled records sprayed Rollins style storm troopers, even fisher-price contemplated jumping into oblivion. deep ocean water invaded by astronauts, glowing orbs and tentacles drifting near by.
a latin man dancing the rhythm of latin beats, painting sensual latin ladies in sexual awakenings, i imagined him making love to everyone of his muses.

things overhead make sense.
'this is to be the ghetto'
'i don't dress like a girly girl'
'WELL, it's true'
'who's in charge here'
'it's the weezer style'

we made our way back through the crowds, peeking through a gathered doorway was a man on a box. black hood covering his face, white cloth covering like a fig leaf, electrical nodes attached to his nipples and sac, wild currents of blue traveling up an antenna. politics are never far from artists/activits.

nor is blue grass, salsa, emo, and a couple of clever guys with a key board and a hardy YA-WHO, complete with a travel trailer and PBR. one performer with a guitar sang so quietly i wondered who he was singing for, let them hear you i wanted to say.

i got some good ol' low brow p-town style culture.

cymbaline

2004-07-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

i really like Pink Floyd, husband does too maybe more so. he has one more album to complete the pink collection. in my car i have the wall part 1 on repeat, for the past week. a classic, never getting old, beautiful in the build-up between the songs, money and clocks ringing. i get lost in the worlds they create on every album, live at Pompeii is another favorite. architects learned, but musicians by design. building a feeling one guitar, drum, or gong at a time.

the latest acquisition is more a movie soundtrack. i'd never heard the songs nor seen the movie. but it looks pretty twisted. the age old tale of a good boy getting into a bad scene due to a dirty drugged up bryd. shot in the 70's and i want to see it, but can't locate it. one track in particular has caught my attention. the moment it came into my ears i was hooked. so melodic, bobbing my head and catching husbands gaze, he feels the same way.

The path you tread is narrow and the drop is shear and very high
The ravens all are watching from a vantage point near by
Apprehension creeping like a choo-train up your spine
Will the tightrope reach the end; will the final cuplet rhyme
And it's high time
Cymbaline
It's high time
CymbalinePlease wake me
Butterfly with broken wings is falling by your side
The ravens all are closing in there's no where you can hide
Your manager and agent are both busy on the phone
Selling colored photographs to magazines back home
And it's high time
Cymbaline
It's high time
Cymbaline
Please wake me
The lines converging where you stand they must have moved the picture plane
The leaves are heavy around your feet you hear the thunder of the train
Suddenly it strikes you that they're moving into range
Doctor Strange is always changing size
And it's high time
Cymbaline
It's high time
Cymbaline
Please wake me
And it's high time
Cymbaline
It's high time
Cymbaline
Please wake me

neighbor lady

2004-07-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

i rarely talk to my neighbor's. we see the landlord who lives in behind us, husband has yelled at the right neighbor to turn down the butt-rock he's air guitaring to, and once I tried to start a conversation with the left neighbor but she basically snubbed me and i've only gotten the stink eye from her since. she has a really beautiful yard, always out there planting, trimming, and watering. every week there are 2-3 lawn refuge bags awaiting the recycling. no chit-chat, we just happen to live in very close proximity to one another, no big deal.
There is another neighbor, she lives across the street from us so we get a clean view of her front yard and house from our living room window. she is constantly on her porch, in her robe, smoking a cigarette, and talking on the phone. it wouldn't bother us at all except that she is loud, engulfed in drama, and has a 10 year old pudgy daughter whom she ignores.
last summer there was a broken arm, a black eye, and multiple emergency response vehicles. one saturday morning a fire truck pulled up out front, a lone fireman manned the elevated red engine while the rest went inside. i had yet to change into clothes and husband was in boxers, we stood behind our sliding screen door and watched the scence unfold. i couldn't see beyond the fire truck, and the fireman staring back at us. for ten minutes i rocked on my husband's body turning into his neck while he rubbed me down. the fireman sat eyes wide, far back in his seat watching our embrace. it was hot.

supra-consciousness

2004-07-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

i like that term a lot.
another expert from Bergson Metaphysics forward:

"...the primal energy at the heart of the universe is affirmed to be love. Hence the most appropriate word to symbolize it is "god". Bergson accepts the view of the Christian mystics that "god is love and the object of love." This truth is certified by intuition when it rises to the heights of mystical experience, where union with the Divine is achieve. The content of such experience must be forever ineffable. But to the philosopher who has thus apprehended the elan vital, creation will appear "as god undertaking to create creators, that he may have, besides himself, beings worthy of his love."

I'm not a believer in the dogmatic god, but more like the hippie version of jesus. I picture him hanging out with the bad crowd forever trying to "show them the light". Or like the super-best friends, jesus, buddha, and the mormon dude fighting together to defeat david blane. But the concept that the world at it's core is love rings true for me. I've felt it inside on several occasions, the warm fuzzies (wf) as they are known. wf are the life force (elan vital) of the universe. it's what makes me want to have babies. the overspilling of emotions i have when confessing love to my husband, the extra is in reserves for a child. from there the elan vital continues. the love spreads, universe expands, and by 2012 a shift in consciousness.

'...consciousness means memory.' - henri bergson

ramblings

2004-07-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

A few things kept me last week. I'm going to list a few in list form:
grouphug.us - i am now addicted to you and your secret confessions of lies, sex, and low self esteem.
record hot weather in my neck of the woods. i start to get cranky after 2 days of over 100° temperatures. we figured i'm a lot like Sololom our reverend, on the way to the pool i'm whining about not wanting to swim, eat, or have any fun at all. not even drinking sounded fun. WTF? I quickly realized what was happening, with husband's help, 'are you going to skulk all day?' and started drinking and blazing and having a uproarious good time. we had a water ballon/hose/gun fight. I punched someone. the water fight ended.
but that's not why i was absent. sorry. back to list.
i forget most of the good blog topics i'd been composing in my skull.
this list is coming to an end.

it was river day, sunday. my what a fine way to end a water filled weekend. i jumped in about 30 times, never once hitting my head on a rock. no one else did either, which was good because it's a long drive to the hospital.

i've got short-timers today and I can't keep my brains in my ears, i've got seepage. i need a medical instrument, STAT. sutures?

2004-07-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

it all works so seemlessly, universe

weekend's worth

2004-07-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

the 80's are making a comeback. the cycle of fads comes full circle to my childhood. I saw a guy this morning wearing checkerboard vans. dude, my dad had those when I was 6. don't laugh they were cool in 1984. also from 1984, lawn darts. my aunt has a set she let my cousin play with. my cousin is 8, I know why she let her use them, trauma to the head might have taught her a lesson about life. she needs a couple of lessons.
But there is one cool thing about the 80's that I don't take offense to and that's frisbee. back in the day I had a frisbee made of plastic and nylon. it was from arctic circle, the logo was stamped right in the middle. I would huck frisbee all day laughing and running...good times.
After the coke weared off and we realized neon was a bad idea, a really bad idea, some hippie decided to merge together 1 bad sport with 1 pseudo sport and thus frisbee golf was born. living in hippie central I am surrounded by frisbee golf courses, in fact my office is next to a city park that has a disc-golf course. but the one I went to on sunday is out the columbia gorge at Dabney Park.
Park is an understatement. Dabney has fruit trees and blackberries everywhere, so as we folfed we munched. being my first frisbee golf experience I warmed up on a small course; found my throw, which is the girly underhand flick, which it works for me. my frisbee glided to meet the boys discs about half-way through the 18 holes. hiking around, chucking the disc, scurrying to find disc in blackberry brambles, throwing towards the hole, switch disc and finally chink-cling. Par 7 was my average I'd say, most the holes were par 3, we all thought this to be bullshit. searching for lost discs took up a good 5 minutes on most holes. The amazing part about loosing a disc is that we found a new disc on each hole that wasn't the disc we lost. I went in with a Valkyrie disc and came out with a hippie tie-die disc. the hippie disc is sweet, throws straight, long distance, I scored on that one.
also, today i've been married for 10 months.
today is 1 month till I give notice.
I count a lot.

kristielea

2004-07-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

mom and dad drop me off from Kristie's funeral just a bit ago. We drove to the church as a family, and I guess it's appropriate. We were a family when we knew the stroders. James was once my best friend, so were our older sisters. I don't remember distinct things about her, or that time, but I do remember how much that family loved, accepted, and had fun with each other.
David and Kristie were high school sweet hearts, they started out rough and then found Christ and it bonded them forever, so in love. always. She was...is...a fun, real, down to earth lady.
Even though it's been 15 years since I was close to them it moved me when I found out that she was dying of cancer. I cried for james, and the family although they've already done...a lot of i'm sure.
When i came home and fired up the computer I started my play list back up from last night.
It is modest mouse, in heaven everythings all right.

clean it up

2004-07-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Walking to the beer market last night down lovely Clinton street I noticed that my fellow neighbor's suck. Here in p-town we love plants, yes we are environmentalists but more over we are plant people. Roses, succulents, trees of all variety, iris, poppy, grasses, and design are factored into our planting rituals. We have about a bazillion garden centers for such things, as well as many landscapers, and garden services.
Gardens abound in every nook and cranny, an example is the parking strip garden. A parking strip is the swatch of earth between the sidewalk and the street. Here they get filled with concrete, like outside my duper, or grass, but more commonly (and something I would like to take advantage of next summer) there is a lovely little oasis of a garden. Picture it if you will, a 5'x3' space filled to the hilt with said flowers and trees. It's beautiful, I often walk around SE day dreaming and checking out the bounty of color and smell that come from these wonderful gardens.
But you people who have these sidewalk gardens, take heed! When I walk to the beer market, I need not be distracted with your obstacle course, out of control gardens. I get slapped in the face by a low hung branch, my legs are attacked by daises and tubers, I walk through a weeping willow psychedelic trip only to fall over your wayward tentacles, and what really pisses me off is huge flowering shrubs that take over ½ the sidewalk.
So please, gentle neighbor's of SE, please cut back your unruly plants. You have 48 hours to comply and then I will start lopping branches, flowers, and bushes at will. I will leave the remnants in your yard for your disposal.
Beer runs shall be hindered no more!

yes man

2004-07-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

At the husband’s work they are in the beginning of a merger. For all the talk about one big happy family work has already fired one really great guy and are in the process of transferring another who is a very good friend of husbands. We call new company Technocrap. They have these traits they want the team to embrace and become. A few are:
Have a vision
Set goals
Be the best at what you do
Have a positive attitude
Always be a student

There are a few more but they weren’t very memorable. Husband and I came up with a list, it’s the same list but in a language every employee can relate to.
Follow our vision
Do what we say
Do your job fast and without error
We’ve decided you now work Saturday’s
Make us money
Don’t bitch
Never ask questions
Where’s that freaking TPS report
Lick our but-holes

A big deal at Technocrap is…number 4…have a positive attitude. They actually fired dude because of his negative comments, never mind he was the liaison between angry tech’s and management that wouldn’t factor in…no, duh…don’t bitch. Technocrap sees you as a good employee with a positive attitude until you start asking the hard questions that would reveal Technocraps agenda. Why is it so hard for employers to be straight with employees when asked about future employment and vacations days?
I emailed my boss, flipflop, about getting time off for mother-in-law days next month. That was Monday, yesterday I asked her after not even getting a laugh and an f-u, so she comes at me with it’s too early to tell, we’ll have to see what’s going on then. Dude, it’s slow as hell right now, I’ve had a finger up my but for the last 3 weeks. When pressed about the elusive things coming up she has nothing and starts to get irritated, repeating. We’ll have to see….. But what’s really going on is her friends are coming in for some shopping extravaganza or a wedding or something oh so Westside, but she can’t just come out and say it. Pussy. Just freaking come clean with it alright! Sheesh…..50 days.
Serentity NOW!

the color of green

2004-07-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

editor's notes on Henri Bergson's An introduction to metaphysics:

"One function of the intellect is to present the continuous flux of matter in the guise of static, discrete objects. Thus, when we perceive a sensory quality like yellow, our visual apparatus is condensing trillions of vibrations into one stable appearance. Our minds immediately interpret this as a yellow surface located in a certain region of space. But the reality itself has no such simple location. Vibrations stream out indefinitely and interpenetrate with all other vibrations in the physical world."

When I was a child I thought about stuff like this a lot, and it's carried into adulthood, although i'm not that old. One of my thoughts which I still hold to today is that the colors I see are not the colors you see. My red is for barns and roses. My blue is for sky and water. But here's where it gets tricky. Your green is for barns and roses, and your yellow is for sky and water. But only when looking through my eyes. The vibrations are interpreted as far as my mind can reach around them. Thus variations in taste and art throughout the world. What you see isn't what I see, it's only what we think we see through interpretations, intuition and perceptions.

30 seconds of pain

2004-07-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

i fucking hate watching commercials. i am well aware of the tv's plans for making money and thus selling my 2½ minutes of attention to some car company for a billion dollars, but really can't they be cool about it? last night is a prime example of the shit they are infusing my brain with.
Scene: a beautiful expanse of prairie and mountains, blue skies with just a sweeping of a cloud here and there.
I'm thinking wow, i'd love to live/hike/camp/get wild out there in that landscape, but wait a second, wtf...here comes a huge balled up piece of suv chaise screaming at me. an engineer somewhere is so into designing his ship of destruction he keeps balling up bad ideas and tossing them away, into my beautiful prairie, no big deal. it's only our fucking environment.
another example, again last night....this is all happening in a matter of minutes.
A women, she looks like bjork but not so Icelandic electro-punk, she has normal going to my cube job attire on. so she's walking to said cube and going on and on about her heritage, viking carnivorous and how her ancestors hunted for woolly mammoth and shit, but then where does she go to fill this crazed meaty (ie no carb, which is another thing that really pisses me off) hunger, the f'ing sev-y, or am-pm, or circle K. i don't remember, i do remember my blind rage for getting me excited about this viking chick and where she was going because...i'm of viking heritage and that shit is not cool. a ½lb hot dog is..mmmm..hot dog...is not the equivalent of hunting for survival. period.
there are others and they all piss me off, i'll let you know.
fight the power at adbusters

you're the devil

2004-07-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

I just realized that my license plate is one digit from being of satan. uwg 766, other almost variations: omg 666. that would be sweet.

dead horse

2004-07-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

act like you're doing something. i've become a master at doing nothing, but making sure it looks like I am really busy and productive. Open up a word doc, check it out, close it, open outlook for the 5th time in 10 minutes, nope, nothing new. I do this a lot so that my boss who will periodically, and by that I mean every god dam day when I first started as to instill the fear of god in me, look over my shoulder and make the comment, like what'cha working on. my reply, the god dam report you gave me to whip up, in my head. of course.
now i have...drum roll...countdown music....52 days left at this soul sucking desk/CAD job. and I don't give a shit anymore. today the boss is gone, the wife is here but she's more of a slacker than I and a lot less inclined to hide the fact like a good employee, ie me. the worst that could happen would be i get dragged into an office for a bitch talk at which I would nod my head and then leave. the best, i'd get fired and unemployment. god how I miss unemployment.

it's on

2004-07-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

you've all inspired me to write a blog, this is it. Here it is. more details to follow.